This memorial website was created in the memory of our loved ones, Max Baldwin & Little BB his tiny sister.

Max was born on August 12, 2006 and passed away on August 12, 2006 .

We will remember & love them forever until we are ALL together again.

3rd October 2007, Max's tiny little sister 'Little BB' had to join Max at 20wks & 6days, due 1st February 2008. A carbon copy of her big brother Max.

Cuddling together, holding each other tight.

our story... MAX
Hopefully this will help you understand everything that has happened to us.

October 2005 I said to Rich, I think our next stage in our lives is to have a baby baldwin.. lets give it ago... the next month, a shock at the time... but I was pregnant at age 36 too!..we got our head around it quickly, and had 14 weeks of sickness... lost lots of weight!.. then planned lots of holidays before baby baldwins arrival in August... a perfect pregnancy baby baldwin responded to Richard even talking while I worked in the office, and was always very active...and I felt wonderful.. I worked upto 38 weeks too, with no time off, and planned to return in February 2007.

Richard's aunty worked as a midwife on special care and kindly asked the lecturing midwife Bev (who only takes on a couple of cases per year to be my midwife)... a lovely very special person, who will always remain and have a special place in my heart!

10th August 40 weeks, I had a lovely lunch with family and then met a friend for afternoon cake, all excited only a few days, returned home called  mum who lived in the North West to say, rather than me calling you in the middle of the night, maybe you should come tomorrow, then called my best friend to tell her and said hopefully the next time I called baby baldwin will be here!!!!...as I came off the phone... it suddenly hit me that I had not felt 'baby baldwin' move at all I don't know why but I had no doubt he had died.. they have since told us that with every full term still born it is every mothers instinct!.... this is when my life changed forever.....

Richard said, NO you have got it wrong, dont say that.. Bev said that the baby would move less as there will not be much room to move about... lets have something to eat and drink..... it made no difference- which would creat lots of mega kicks.... OK lets have a bath- which normally did the same.... it made no difference... OK lets go to bed- as this again would wake Baby Baldwin up- we had different clocks!..... still nothing happened... I watched as Richard fell asleep... I lay awake all night waiting for Richard to wake on the Friday morning... 5.30am.... I ran to grab the hotline number and cried.. I know something is wrong... calmly she said come in now, and I will call Bev... Bev called me straight back and said I will meet you at the hopsital...We drove to hopsital in silence me crying uncontrolable, Richard saying it will all be OK....... the consultant on duty and midwife seemed to be an hour trying to find a heartbeat... me hysterically crying... not telling me anything but saying the machine was not that good and I had to wait for the scanners at 8am.....Bev arrived.... looked at me and said...'Sans it is not looking good'... and had it confirmed there was no heart beat at 8am by the scanner... This is when my world fell apart... Bev got on the bed and held me and said 'sans it was not meant to happen like this'..... we then had to face Richards Aunty.. who had just clocked on for her shift saw our names...got exicted...to be met by Bev shaking her head... which was terrible... she was in such shock and stayed by our sides....I know it is strange, but I did not feel attached to my own body, but knowing what I know now, I dont think I could of gone thro the birth without the numb feeling (shock I suppose)!

It was confirmed to Richard and I, that our baby, was a boy at the scan, and that he had died. Even more difficult both our parents made it clear they wanted a boy. I knew my mum was travelling down, so Richard called his mum to tell her the news, and ask her to go to our house ready to face my mum and tell her the news.

The really cruel part was that I now had to face labouring Max naturally. They moved us to the berevement delivery suite with a lounge, kitchen, double bed, bathroom and baby cool room/mortuary area too.. thank god- As the thought of giving birth with screaming women,alive babies and excited fathers was tourture for both of us.... you just do not know these places exist!.

The only names Rich had not said 'no way' to was MAX LEWIS...so baby baldwin became MAX LEWIS

I was told I was unable to have an epidural or general, the only option was to have max naturally.... it seems to cruel..

I gave birth to Max after approx 16hrs of natural labour after being induced, and difficutly delivering Max as his shoulders got stuck too and a little struggle delivering the placenta too!.



We can not believe that life could of been so cruel to us. WHY US

There is no medical reason to why Max died.. which makes things harder to accept, and looked perfect with no medical markers. We decided not to have a post morterm due 60% coming back with no medical reason and 6 weeks of waiting. The placenta showed no signs of deteriation and had supported Max to a healthly weight too.. even though it was very bizarre to look at. I have had mega blood tests that have all come back with no reason. We waited for the lab to examine the placenta and cord and feed back any findings but the fact that the placenta supported Max to be a 8lb 1oz baby...

I had another set of tests in 6weeks at the hospital and an appointment with the specialist.... it is now thought that it is highly likely that Max died of SIDS (cot death) in the womb, rare, but possible, as there were no visible reason as he was perfect in every way.

I never thought Richard and I could become closer, but we have. We are supporting each other 100%.

Max was born at 10.05am 8lb 1oz on Saturday his due date and was exactly Richard, which makes everything harder, we dressed him in an outfit made up of the burberry cardigan we bought him (cuffs turned up just like his daddy as the arms were too long- , hat and booties from my mum bought in tenerife and gave him the rabbit Kay bought in Portugal.

Thanks to Bev and Ju ...We have hand and foot prints, tags etc etc- just like normal, and we cuddled Max Lewis together on the bed for hours. We looked at every inch of his body over and over again... just not understanding why..... ...as nothing was wrong visibly.. but Max did not cry or breath... he was warm and floppy.

We had Max blessed at 3pm on Saturday the 2 of us, with Bev and Ju with us, which was very special.

Once Richard cried he found it hard to stop...when I delivered Max, but was very strong for me thro the first part of labour- I suppose the reality of it.

Walking out of the hospital was very emotional, leaving Max behind and passing new babies etc was very cruel, and we had no control over our emotions.

It became strange to think Max was there, but part of me was scared to see him as I thought he was going to deteriate, and I did not want them to be my memories.

We went to see Max at the Chapel of Rest ... still looking no different perfect, just cold and still floppy too. The funeral team had surrounded him with teddies too in a lovely moses basket. We both felt better for seeing Max.

I keep torturing myself over and over again as often thoughout my pregnancy whenever I was asked, I would say I have put a special request in for a baby that sleeps thro the night and does not cry.... I would do anything in the world to hear Max cry all night long now.

The thing is we are a mummy and daddy without our baby now and nobody will understand this with having a still born baby as Max was STILL born.

Both of us feel that we have changed as people. I have a very empty feeling after having Max inside me for 9months. Max always responded to Richard's touch on my tummy too, also to Richards voice when he walked in the room too, every time from about 6mnths.

The team at the hospital in the berevement suite are fantastic- we bought things for the suite in Max's memory with Max's name plate on, like others have done using the suite- we are to buy a tens machine, 2 clocks and a birthing ball, fans ..as these were borrowed from the normal delivery suite and Bev had to go off searching begging and borrowing....

We chose to have only ourselves and our parents at the funeral and Julie and Bev....right or wrong it was right for us at the time and personal..facing people now is hard, as everyone has moved on and do not talk about it.. maybe if they had been to the funeral it would of been better?.. who knows!

The rev gave us a family grave with Max, Max has been buried at the head of our joint grave and Max is placed at the foot of Richards nan and granddad Francis a special tiny open church yard, in the country, a walk across to the sea.

When we registered Max's death not even the registars knew what they were doing!.. as there have only been 18 still births since 2003 and none where full term.

Our Doctors surgery had only had 1 full term stillborn baby in 10 years too.
Our doctor has been very supportive, and Bev and Richard's aunty too.
I am apparently one of the furtherest gone into the pregnancy at full term ... It is weird, but one of the facts of Stillborns is all are from text book PERFECT pregnancies.. which is a little bizzare.


Thursday
We took much pleasure over buying needed things for the berevement suite in Max's memory - so the team do not have to run down to the delivery suite to borrow things!.

We bought a dance CD in the charts called- World Hold on- Children of the Sky, after listening to it... the words seemed to fit with what had happened
We sat thought up a little poem between us (poets and we didnt know it!!) for Max's casket flowers from the two of us.

Max came home in a beautiful moses basket, still floppy and pink, but cool.... still looking perfect. We both could not stop staring at him, and kissing his little hands and feet and we both thought that we could seem him breathing (in our hopes and dreams, I think).

It felt 100% right to have Max at home, in our bedroom and both took so much comfort by it, it felt very natural.
The strangest thing is that my motherly instincts were the same as if Max would of been alive- I slept with my ear listening for him, I can honestly say I have never ever slept like this ever previously.

Friday AM

I placed Max's hand onto a little bear, so I could keep forever knowing he had held it for me. I took a picture of this- which is now in black and white with the bear next to my bed.
I cut off Max's hospital ankle tags with Bev's support.
Bev checked Max's nappy... and he had done a poo!- so I changed his nappy for a clean one....So I have even managed to change Max's nappy!.
We trimmed Max's long nails!!!- and pinched a couple of locks of hair too- which was a  blonde colour and curly!- just like his mummy.

Richard & I decided to wear our favourite outfits (no black!) for the funeral, Richard in his armani cream jeans and matching armani brown linen shirt. Me in my new cream Calvin Klein jacket and cream skirt.

The Funeral
We blasted out in the car Max's CD Children of the Sky while following in our car behind Max in the hirst.
The sunshined for us. On the way to Salcott church... the most wonderful thing happened.. and we believe it was connected to our special little boy.. in 3 seperate sequences black geese flew over Max' hirst, then one white goose on its own... then they all formed in sequence across the whole field with the white one in the middle!!!!.... which took almost all the time to drive to Salcott for us to watch!!!!.

Richard found the strength to carry Max in his beautiful white duck down embroidered casket, and I am so proud of him for that, but it would not of been right for anyone else to do it.

The service was wonderful The Rev had us both light a candle for Max the Rev had one of his old ladies knit a white teddy for Max too- he has been really really sweet.

Saturday
Saturday 1 week later 10.05am hit me hard, I realised that I had laboured Max and buried before being one week old.


We have everything in a beautiful keepsake box and made a very beautiful personal album for ourselves together with all our wonderful week of memory pictures, 4d scan pictures of max yawning, smiling etc, hand & feet prints, hospital tags, measurement card, newspaper cutting, etc etc.

We believe and take comfort in the that we were chosen to create an extra special little boy,especially for heaven with eternal life.. Max had no visible signs of any imperfections, apart from not ever being able to take a single breath in this world.


We are taking each day at a time, planning nothing at the moment. We both just want and miss Max so, so much, but feel lucky to have had a nice week of memories, myself the 9 months of Max growing inside me, and Richard, memories of all the kicks he felt too.

At this stage I dont think there is ever going to be one moment in the rest of our lives, where Max is not going to be in our thoughts...but I do not want this to change either.

Please send lots of strength for us....I think we are going to need it.!

OUR STORY....OUR LITTLE GIRL 'LITTLE BB'
14th May I found out I was pregnant again, thank god!.. after trying 1 week after Max died! which took nine months to be pregnant again. I thought it would never happen after falling pregnant with Max the first month of trying. It helped me thro what would of been Max's 1st Birthday.
We did not tell anyone until I was 16weeks...as we did not want to be in the situation of telling everyone we did not have a live baby but an angel AGAIN. I held my breath closed my eyes at each scan refusing to listen to searching for heartbeats.. reliving going into the antenatal department was ****, which nobody really understands. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary returning to Antigua 7th September for 2wks, where we got married, to return to our 20week scan 28th Sept......... when our world fell apart YET AGAIN!!!!... same scan room, a Friday AGAIN... we had prepared ourselves for **** and worry near full term with the dread of it all happening again... but we had not prepared for this ONE!!!...not this.... I was told to look at the scan as the heart beat was there (i had closed eyes tears yet again just being in the scan room)... thinking OK I might be one step closer to get today out of the way, but to have our baby look straight at me and my husband.... and then for the senior scanner to say..... hold on there is something not right here, and called in the consultant.... our baby had short long bones in the legs and arms, a thin skull, bowed ribs and broken leg bones, to then be told while still scanning by the consultant, our baby would not be compatible with life outside of me.... To then face ending the life we so really wanted more than anything... I had to deliver our baby AGAIN in the Bereavement suite..... the one place I NEVER could cope with being near again...... 7hrs labour... staring at all Max's things we had bought for the suite ..with his name that we donated...even the clock with his name on counting my contractions every 5mins with tears rolling down my face..... this is so much worse than Max.... waiting, dreading the PM results.. what if's... we never saw this one coming.... I do not want to share anything about our little girl.... how can anyone understand.... why waste my breath...then I feel sad as I never stopped talking about Max.... I feel like I just want to be left alone.....

Little BB ( Baby Baldwin)- is buried with Max together in the same grave as her brother. The name I loved I was going to call her is Beau..so we decided she was to remain BB, as that is what we called her.